Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
