This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
