glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
