i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
