Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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