Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
nutella sex= disaster
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
