I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
