just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
