We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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