i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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