last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Every concussion has its silver lining
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
