Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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