ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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