I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
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Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there