I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
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He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
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I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well