the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good