I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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