mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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