Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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