Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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