dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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