24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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