After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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