I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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