Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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