I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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