Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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