You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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