Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
