that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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