why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.