Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
