I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Naked Twister starts at high noon
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
