I think scott just propositioned me for sex
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
