god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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