my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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