I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
