Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
