I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Congratulations! We have a period
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
