i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
