Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
