Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
