It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
