You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
