my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
COCAINE IS GR8
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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