I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
