i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
