i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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