You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
