Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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