This is not my ceiling
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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