I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
