Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
