her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
