she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
