She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
