I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
