This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
